***Disclaimer - If my brother is about to read this, there is a lot of talk about my boobs and I am sure you do not want to read it. Have Mo give you a recap if you do! haha! Over share warning!
Currently I am having an internal battle with myself.
Background - I breastfed Madelyn in the hospital when she was first born. It was four days of complete torture. It hurt every.single.time. She did not latch correctly and her mouth would never open wide enough for my nipple. By day 4 in the hospital I was about to slip into depression. I wouldn't leave the shower because I didn't want to have to breastfeed again. So I made the decision with the help of my husband and a wonderful nurse to exclusively pump. I was still providing my daughter with the positives of breast milk and I was not in anguish from putting her on the boob.
At first it was great. I was not crying while trying to feed my daughter. My wonderful husband could get up and feed Madelyn in the middle of the night and during the day. I had help. It felt good on all accounts. Three Months later - not so much. I am sick and tired of it and I feel selfish for feeling like that. I first started pumping every 3 hours which you need to do to establish a supply. Then around the 2 month mark, I went to every 4 hours. Now I am down to every 5 hours and my supply dropped a lot from this.
I now feel guilty, selfish, and like I am a horrible person. I am not producing a lot since I switched to every 5 hours. Which is fine because I had an oversupply in the beginning and I have a pretty generous freezer stash. Plus, we have to start to use the older milk now anyway.
But I feel like I am "letting" my daughter down by starting the weaning process. I am petrified for some unknown reason to give her formula. I know formula now a days is fine and has tons of nutrients as well. I know a few babies that are fine and they are formula fed. So why do I feel so bad?
I cry daily over the fact that I am almost done pumping. Then two seconds later I am delighted that I will be done pumping. I go back and forth all.day.long. My husband tells me to do whatever I want and he is fine with whatever I decide. Which is awesome and I appreciate that he is not overbearing in this situation but I have NO CLUE what I want.
So lets make a list of the pros in cons to me -
Positives -
I love providing my daughter with breast milk. I am very proud of my decision to pump instead of throwing in the towel all together. I have reached my goal of 3 months (Yay me!). I love that it is free.
Negatives -
I hate that I am strapped to a machine. I hate that I leak everywhere. I hate that I feel like a cow being milked. I hate that I can not go out for extended periods of time without bringing the pump. I hate that my boobs ALWAYS hurt. I hate that my nipples look disgusting.
Not sure if this is a pro or con - I feel it is the only thing that connects me with my daughter, I feel like it is the only thing "I am good for"...
DING DING DING - I think that's my issue.....
